QFI: Day Six- Hardest Experience

06. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

Around age three my parents divorced, and a few years later both of my grandparents passed away. I remember crying at their funeral because I was angry at myself for not really feeling the same emotion that all of the others were feeling. How could I be mournful & sad at that age though? While I had a connection with my grandparents, it wasn't lengthy or deep enough to hurt me at the time. It upsets me now because I never really got to know them. 

While these events were 'important' in my life...

No experience was more difficult and life changing than losing Gary.

This post is going to be very long. Keep scrolling to read other posts of mine if you don't wish to hear the explanation of my hardest experience.

If you do, then...

For any who don't know. Gary was like my father.

Gary and my mother went to high school together back in Jersey & dated for a little while. Flash forward to 2001 when mom my and I moved down to North Carolina and they got back in touch again over the internet. It didn't take long for the sparks to fly again. Soon he was visiting and I could not wait to meet him. I remember dressing up in a long blue dress & carrying a long strapped white purse. I wanted to look like a very grown up eight year old. After his visit the relationship between Gary and I grew quickly. Gary was 'the science guy' and the smartest guy I knew. I would always call him for homework help, because in my head he knew the answer to all of life's questions. I looked up to him so much. I also was one of the few to laugh at his corny jokes & throw one right back at him. My mother swears that I was really his kid.

I'm not sure when the turning point came that I began to consider him my dad. He decided he was going to move to North Carolina and we would buy a home together and live happily ever after... He also was going to officially adopt me after they would get married. My mom must have told me this because I have countless school papers with 'Brittany Choske' written all over them. I also have drawing after drawing of 'My Family' with Mom, Brittany, Gary, and Belle. I had things designated to him in the house (especially around Christmas time) 'This will be Gary's stocking holder' I would say, and place it right next to mine year after year until the realisation hit that he wouldn't be coming any time soon.

I continued growing up with him helping to raise me from afar. Any time my mom was on the phone with him I would always be at her side. 'Tell him I said this' & 'tell him about that' & 'Hi Gary!!!!' Aside from my mothers phone calls I would have my own conversations with him. Any time I would call he would drop everything he was doing. I used to get really scared in the middle of the night. When my mother was too tired to deal with my silliness or unable to convince me that everything was okay, she would call Gary and saying 'Here, your daughter needs you' roll her eyes and go back to bed. At times hysterically crying I would explain to him the noises I heard outside my window or the nightmare I had. He would give me extremely rational reasons and calm me down. My mom could have told me the same things, but I would only believe it if he said so too.

Besides spoiling me and my mom with crazy gifts and acts of kindness, I looked to Gary for guidance. It was only a few years ago that I truly started turning to him for help with problems dealing with life and not just technology or math. It opened my eyes and I saw he knew even more than I thought before. I enjoyed discussing & debating things with him. I loved learning things from him. I loved him with all of my heart.

Fall of 2011 I started my freshman year of college. I lost touch with a lot of people and I found it hard to even keep in touch with my mom. One day in October my mom called me and told me that Gary had an diabetic episode while driving and completely blacked out. He was pulled over by a cop but then shortly taken to a hospital where they struggled to keep his sugar up. She explained that everything was okay now, but that it was really scaring and embarrassing for him. I wanted to call and tell him I loved him and catch up since it had been a while, but I wasn't sure if I was supposed to even know about it. I decided against it because I knew that he would be coming to visit me and my mom at school in only three weeks.

A week after this phone call. Its 11 o'clock in the morning on a Saturday. I had a really long night, and an exhausting fight with my boyfriend on the phone. I'm sprawled out across my bed in my dorm. I have clothes, dishes, and books sprawled across the tiny room, with hardly any space to walk. I hear a knock at the door, lift my head, and realize it's probably a tour group. Being in no condition to tour my room, I ignored it and fell back asleep. About five minutes later my phone rang. It was my mom.

'Helllo? Look outside your window, we're here for a visit!' I jumped out of bed and peaked out the blinds. My mom, aunt, and cousin were sitting on the brick wall in front of my dorm building waving. I started to tear up, I was so excited that they came for a surprise visit. They came upstairs and I gave them all big hugs excitedly asking what we were going to do that day. 'Anything you want' they said. I said I would take a really fast shower and my aunt stressed me to 'take your time.' I wish I had.

I took one of the fastest showers of my life, got dressed, and re-hugged all of them, ending up sitting on the bed with my cousin. I went to get down and again asked 'What do you guys want to do?' My mom said 'Why don't you stay up there for a second' and stood up and came to the edge of my bed. My aunt followed.

Today I am unsure the exact words that came out of her mouth. As she started to speak my cousin put her hand on my back. I didn't know what was going on. Once she said Gary's name it hit me all at once. I backed away from them as much as I could. She continued to tell her story. I remember crying so hard that I could hardly actually cry... Shaking my head and repeating 'no, no, no'. Glancing over at the date on my calendar with his name on it. He was gone.

I won't go into any detail about his passing. Even though every word of that is stuck in my head... and images haunt me constantly... I am a different person because of this, and I struggle everyday to make everything okay again. At some point you just realize that it won't be.

We held a memorial in Colorado in December and spread his ashes off the side of a mountain. That is actually where the photo for my Quest for Identity comes from.

I haven't really gotten over this or past it. Not even partially. Since Gary lived so far away, it's easy for me to ignore the fact that he is gone. It won't help me in the long run, but for now this is how I'm coping. This entire experienced has further developed my fear of losing people I hold close.

Sometimes you sit and think about your future. You picture the events and the people of whatever you are imagining. It takes a lot of effort to shake Gary out of all of those future memories I had previously seen him in. He will not be there to see me graduate college, get married, have kids, or grow old with my mom. While I know he will 'be there' in my heart & watching down from heaven, it hurts a lot to know he won't physically be there and it scares me to think that this was how things were always supposed to be. I'm not sure what I believe, but ever since Gary came into my life, was he destined to leave it so soon? 

Everything happens for a reason, and we won't always know why.

If there are any typos or odd sections then I am sorry. I generally proofread as well as go back and make my post look pretty. Writing this story was painful enough. I don't plan to re-read it.

Click to view first post of my...

Grab a button & Join In: